Anika (honscot) wrote,

Happy Thanksgiving

Someone at work sent this around and I thought it was pretty funny.

NAME OF OPERATION: Roasting turkey.

SURGEON: Dr. Chief Cook.

ASSISTANT: Dr. Bottle Washer.


FLUIDS: Gravy.

INDICATIONS FOR SURGERY: The turkey had been pronounced dead previous to the procedure and presented with a body temperature of approximately 10 degrees Fahrenheit. It was placed supine in the hypothermic holding chamber, and gradual warming procedures were instituted for 24 hours previous to surgery. Body temperature was approximately 40 degrees at the time the procedure began.

FINDINGS AND TECHNIQUE: Incisions were already present, and most viscera were surgically absent. The patient had a medical history of decapitation and bilateral pedal amputation. Alopecia was complete with the exception of a few stray feathers, which were removed. The heart, liver, and gizzard were present in the peritoneal cavity, along with the cervical portion of the patient's spine. These were removed by the surgeon and put to simmer on the back table, to be prepared appropriately for presentation at the completion of the procedure.

The peritoneal cavity was thoroughly lavaged, and excess adipose tissue was removed. The distal portions of the bilateral upper appendages were tucked neatly behind the acromioclavicular joints. A specially prepared mixture of cornbread, mushrooms, and sausage with appropriate spices was packed loosely into the peritoneal cavity. Additional portions of the mixture were inserted subcutaneously and superficial to the pectoral muscles.

The peritoneal opening was closed in 1 layer, utilizing skewers and kitchen string. All fork, knife, and spice counts were correct x2. A thermometer was inserted in the appropriate location to ensure correct body temperature at the conclusion of the procedure. The turkey was placed in the Kenmore hyperthermic unit. It was roasted at 325 degrees at the rate of 30 minutes per pound of body weight prior to surgery with intermittent applications of broth and melted butter.

After the internal temperature had reached 180 degrees, the turkey was removed from the hyperthermic chamber, and the sutures were removed. The patient was placed supine on a platter and taken to the dining area, where it was found to be in excellent condition by all present.

Tags: silliness

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